Arranging, Deranging

Went over to Wayne's house yesterday even though I was exhausted from another sleepless night. We basically finished The Goddess of War. It's about 5 minutes long, which is OK but I wonder about the complexity. As with the first album, it's hard sometimes for me to hear the electronic arrangements and trust that the acoustic versions will be cool. In fact, I joked with Wayne as I came into the studio--he was arranging a tune for one of his next albums. "Is that violins?" I asked. "No, saxophones," he replied. I asked if having the synthesized sounds didn't bother him. He said buying better samples is just a question of spending money where it isn't needed--he can hear what he needs to, so why spend on more realistic horns or voices? Bass, trombone, piano and drumset sound pretty realistic, it's just some of the higher timbre stuff that is hard to differentiate.

I edited my lyrics down, and we have a cool bridge now. I'd like to let a day go by before I listen to it again. Last night it was looping in my brain, driving me nuts. The next step for me is to put this on my hard disk recorder and lay down the lead vocal and some backing vocals.

Wayne also gave me copies of Ain't No Sunshine as he's arranged it thus far (it's really cool as a salsa tune) and a song I wrote, Her Ways Wander.

Plus, he wants me to sing Afro Blue and Use Me on his next album, so we listened to those arrangements. He's really been cooking, and they sound great (fake horns and all). Hopefully this next week I'll finally get some down time, now that I've cleaned out my cubicle and the holidays are blessedly over. Unfortunately, the mess from work has been transferred to my home office, where boxes are piled everywhere.

In last night's dream, everyone else from my old magazine was laid off, and I was consoling them. I apparently now lived under the building and I came out to see them filing out to get their hands stamped. The managing editor was railing about how she wanted more than just a hand stamp, and the art director was weeping. His partner was telling me that they'd just paid $179 to adopt a child and then this happened. I woke up and after about half an hour I realized that they hadn't been laid off, only Laurie and I had. Ah well. At least I slept most of the night.

Jazzmérica Named 2005 Top 5!

DJ El Leon from KVMR Sacramento/Nevada City/Truckee has kindly sent me a copy of the listener's guide his station puts out at the end of the year with all the DJs top selections from 2005. He named my debut album, Jazzmérica, in his top five picks for the year. Other Bay Area musicians on his list are John Santos (who played on Jazzmérica) and Daria (who was in the studio with Wayne Wallace producing around the same time I was). El Leon also sent a very nice note. Muchísimas gracias, Leon!

Pregnancy Progress

We haven't been documenting my belly the way we did with my first pregnancy, but here's a picture of me at 23 weeks or almost 6 months. My belly feels huge, but it doesn't look so bad in this picture. I miss my stomach muscles...

Insomniac

There definitely appears to be a connection with going into the office to clean up my cubicle and insomnia. Even though I felt quite good and productive while I was there, and was confident that my self-esteem was unassailable after last night's gig, at 2 am I awoke, my brain aswirl with thoughts. As I lay there, my husband laughed in his sleep, then woke up himself. "Why were you laughing?" I asked. "I was dreaming that I was traveling through Mexico with a Russian guy. Whenever I couldn't remember his name, I'd say 'Hey, Rasputin.' But he didn't like that. He said Rasputin was a bad guy. I said, 'Like a Republican or a Democrat?' 'Republican,' he said." Then Emilio fell back asleep and I lay there watching how a swaying branch made the street light flicker and wondering if he'd remember his dream in the morning.

Not to be overdramatic, but the pariah effect of being laid off is quite interesting. It's subtle, to be sure, but amazing when people you have known for 10 years suddenly have that shaded look in their eyes when you walk past. If I try I can thaw them out. I was needing some help to transfer computer files and was told that the person who laid me off would need to look over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't stealing anything. Now, this made little sense in that I was given two weeks notice, not escorted out of the building, so I've had plenty of opportunity to steal electronic files already, not to mention a plethora of methods at my disposal. What I do need is to take my portfolio of 10 years of writing and other projects with me so I can get another job.

I guess it's an insight into what happens whenever misfortune befalls someone. Perhaps it's human nature to avoid the person, make sure whatever they've got--divorce, disease, destitution--isn't catching. I wrote an editorial about "workplace mobbing" once on a tip from a reader, and it was very popular. For months after it was published people sent me stories of being forced out, laid off or worse for whistle-blowing or simply not fitting in. It also occurs to me (and this is one aspect that keeps me awake) that people assume I've done something to deserve this. And since there's been no official communication to the contrary, there's nothing to dispel that notion. Heck, they might think, she's probably been slacking for years and they finally got rid of her. I realize that that's a sort of type A concern--I put so much of myself into my job, so it hurts to have it taken away and feel any implication of criticism or ineffectiveness. And finally, I realize that most people just don't give it a thought at all. I'm not part of their universe anymore so why say hi. These are all excellent reminders for being a more enlightened person.

As I walked to the bus through the gauntlet of homeless folks who live under the transbay station, one of them said to me, "How was your holiday? Good?" I kept walking but replied, "Yes, it was good actually. How about yours?" "Well, I woke up," he called after me.

Again, I don't want to be too self-pitying. Six people came from work last night to see the Yoshi's gig, but were turned away at the door because the first show was sold out. I don't think they were able to stay for the second show, but I really appreciated them coming.

It's just that this is such an anticlimactic way to end a decade in one's life. As always, it could be worse in large (homelessness) and small ways. Helen, the sweet woman in the deli downstairs, was railing about the most recent layoffs. "They always get rid of the best people. A woman the other day told me she'd worked for your company for 23 years and they laid her off. Twenty-three years of her life, wasted, she said."

Un Exitaso! (Success!)

Wow! ¡Yoshi's fue increible! ¡Todo un exito! We sold out the first show at 8 pm last night and the second show was full as well (I don't know the numbers on that one yet, but it's a 300-seat house and it looked 75% full for the 10 pm show). Orlando and I had a blast singing and the band and the sound were killer. Not only that, we had the dance floor completely full for the first set (the second set had quite a few latin jazz tunes in a row that weren't as dancer-friendly). I nailed my tunes and got a workout on percussion and coros when I wasn't singing lead. The funniest compleat f***up was the stupid spoken hey-hey-hey section on Oye Cayuco--we nailed it the first time and the second time it came in at the end of the tune, I just couldn't jump in on the off beat, try as I might. But we were laughing about it, and I told Orlando we should've had a recording of that for David Flores, who made fun of it to begin with when we did the gig with the Reno Jazz Orchestra. My husband doesn't like that section either. To my amazement he didn't give me crap about it afterward--he probably missed it. My brothers and their sweet girlfriends came, and they danced--I was so impressed. Afterwards my brother Peter said, "Are all your gigs this good?" I said, "Well, I don't play with a 19-piece band every night, that's for sure." Emilio came for the second set and brought Sebastian, who lasted through about three songs like a little jazz-loving five-year-old gentleman, so debonair, and then crashed lying across two chairs for the rest of the show.

I also sold a lot of CDs, which was gratifying. We had had such an early soundcheck--4 pm--that I had contemplated going back home before the show (some people did), but Wayne said "What, and miss this hang?" So I sat and listened to bad jokes and it really was worthwhile. Bassist Peter Barshay told a "dirty marquee" story ("You wanna here a dirty marquee story?") about when he was in a short-lived band with Eddie Marshall that they decided to call "Throbbing Member." Apparently they played some famous New York club and the marquee read "Tonight: Eddie Marshall's Throbbing Member." I also loved all the hilarious asides that I heard behind me during the gig ("Perez Prado just rolled over in his grave" after one tune). At the end of the show Orlando sang the encore and made a gracious speech commending Wayne and Michael Zilber for putting together this amazing big band: "There are so few working 19-piece bands these days." From behind me I hear: "And we're not one of them."

We got home and bid farewell to my brothers and I was actually able sleep somewhat. Getting my hair out of this hairstyle I had done yesterday is going to be another story. As usual, I'm making lists in my head of all the things I've put off for the past few weeks while I was shedding for this gig and irrationally thinking I'm going get them done today, but if I'm smart I'll find some way to relax. Yeah, right.

Lost my Mojo

If anyone's seen it, could you please tell it to come back? It has red and white stripes, wears a feather boa and laughs at movies like the first American Pie or Rat Race. I really need it by Monday.

Signed the Severance

I came into the office today. It was mostly pretty miserable and depressing to be there. IT was out and couldn't help me with my file transfer project. I made some headway and also downloaded a copy of OpenOffice for the Mac, but yikes! Reading the ReadMe I'm not sure this is the version I should try. There's something else called NeoOffice which is apparently more integrated with OS X. I also got the DSL hardware yesterday but haven't started installing it yet. There's going to be a complication with the monitored alarm system we have. I don't know if it's just a matter of installing another filter on that or what.

There were few people in the office. Some pretended I was invisible, but I appreciated the ones who came up to me and chatted. I called HR and went down to see them. Yesterday I got scared because one of our longtime columnists resigned in protest for our layoff (I said I was honored by the gesture but urged him to reconsider) and because of the gag clause I don't want them to think I've been badmouthing them (which I haven't). I really can't afford to lose the severance and the insurance until the baby is born, so I didn't ask for anything more, though I'd been debating whether I should. I went in to the HR woman's office, steeling myself to be happy. She had a dead look in her eyes and her face was expressionless. I said, "I hope your holiday season is going well!" in the brightest voice I could manage. I asked her a question about the cost of my insurance payment and once she answered it I said, "Well, let's let bygones be bygones," and I signed the papers. "It's been a pleasure working here," I said as I gathered the folder back together. I could tell she was surprised that there hadn't been a fight and she softened a bit. "I'll be back next week to turn in my keys and phone, right?" I asked as I left. She smiled and said yes. Walking away I felt my throat tighten up and I thought, "dammit Alexa, don't cry."

I packed some more boxes and files and plants (I had a jungle in my cubicle) and Adolfo, sweet man and jazz lover who works in facilities, came by to ask if I needed help getting down to the car. We chatted about layoffs as we went down and he loaded the boxes into Emilio's junk truck (our nice car was flooded a few days ago and now not only won't start but stinks something awful).

On the way to pick up Sebastian I was talking on the phone to Jeff, my bass player, and he started berating me for not demanding more severance. "Aw Alexa, if you let them do this to you, they're going keep doing this to people in your situation!" I said there wasn't a lot of choice in the matter--I have limited time and energy. Plus, I'm not easily intimidated, but the forces that eliminated my job scare the hell out of me. I told him we've just got to get more gigs.

"Hey, Jeff, you want to play the BART station with me?" "I'll play anywhere with you, babe." I am a lucky so-and-so, I guess.

Wow, what a sound!

I just got back from the rehearsal for Yoshi's next week with the big band, El Balajo. I think I lost a few decibels of hearing. We were crammed into a rehearsal room in the Jazz School, all 20 of us! As one of the horn players said, "We've fit in here before, but that was for a college prank!" That's what I love about musicians--great sense of humor. I guess you gotta have one to make up for the lack of money? The band really sounds good, and since pretty much everyone as far as I know in it is very well versed in salsa and latin music the groove is great. Orlando and I are singing, but it was near impossible to hear in there. Anyway, I'm back home practicing again, running through percussion and coro/pregones and reminding myself of the form. Wayne also brought me my songs that I left at his house so I can try to get some more work done on the albums before I go to see him Thursday.

I had a really nice and inspiring conversation yesterday with Laurie, my fellow layoff survivor, and she had a very positive attitude and was urging me to take the time to work on music while I have it. That's my plan, but it is so hard--I've already got some freelance writing/editing/translating/web development gigs lined up, plus there's just so much to do in terms of cleaning out and organizing things before 12/30.

Funny how your perspective changes. Until I latched on to the corporate teat 10 years ago, I had been a freelancer and an itinerant roofer/mechanic/laborer/Xmas carol singer/secretary etc. So working in the office seemed so stifling. Amazingly, I developed levels of self-control neither I nor my parents ever thought I'd achieve. I used to walk down to the Embarcadero and see the sailboats on the water and think, "that's where I'm supposed to be, not inside a building all day." My other fantasy was to just jump in the Bay and swim back home to Oakland. But I conquered it all and grew to enjoy the office and the other day was thinking how much I'd miss my stupid cubicle. Now is that some effective conditioning at work or what? I've just got to turn my perspective back around. It also got a lot trickier when I became a mom in 2000. Made the cubicle sacrifice a lot more palatable.

Anyway, I don't have much choice about being down from here until the Yoshi's gig--this is a big deal for me and I've got to be psyched for it. Thankfully it doesn't all ride on my shoulders--I'm just a small part of that band, but I will have two nice showcase tunes, plus the percussion and coros. I was saying to Murray at the rehearsal that our gig at the Octavia Lounge wasn't so great--it took me nearly two hours to get there with the traffic, and I was dying to go to the bathroom. At one point I pulled over to pee by the street, but I was all dressed up and I just couldn't do it. Figured with as many folks as there are in SF doing just that, it would be my luck that a cop would go past and I'd never even get to my gig. I got back in the car and got to the gig. Once I was there, there were still so many mishaps before we started, and the stage was in a weird new location from the last time, so I wasn't at the top of my game. The table of morose transvestites kind of threw me off too, but I did ask them to sign my mailing list (they didn't).

I do appreciate the support I've gotten from friends and editors and contributors. Larry O'Brien, you really made me laugh with your posting! Thanks to you, to David and to a nameless few others!

Warning: Obscenities Ahead

Don't ask how I found this ;-), but it's a pretty neat set of lyrics from a woman I've never heard of who's apparently the "French Madonna," Mylène Farmer. Now, I myself wrote a song that rants against the powers that be called The Goddess of War--Wayne and I are working on the arrangement now, in fact--but it was not inspired or influenced by this. I'd love to hear it--maybe it will be on iTunes for at least a sneak preview? That's my new favorite use of iTunes store, by the way. It's amazing for 20-second clips of, say, a huge selection of versions of Juan Tizol's Caravan, for example. Or I was also looking up the Ride of the Valkyries just to jog my memory of how that goes, and it was neat to hear the signature riff from so many movies. But just underneath it is a swirling sound that gives it that otherworldly edge. Anyway, the lyrics can be found here.

Sleepless and soggy

I haven't been able to sleep the past few days. Not ideal for a pregnant person, but I can't help it. I lie down at a normal hour, exhausted, but wake up at 1 am thinking about my former place of work. It's so frustrating. Here it is, 3:45 am. I'm exhausted but still can't sleep. I've been transferring files from my PC laptop (which I have to give back to the company) to my new little iBook G4. On the recommendation of a few friends, I've made the leap to Mac. Only problem is, I have a lifetime of M$ Office documents to move over. Ever since I read Getting Things Done I've been cleaning and purging and organizing, so hopefully I can get the stuff I need to transfer down to a reasonable size. I think it's about 11 GB right now, which I don't think is too bad, really. Though that could take quite a while to transfer with a 32MB thumb drive.

I'm trying to put together a portfolio of everything I did in the magazine world. I've made list after list of things I have to take care of before my last day, on 12/30, when I have to hand everything over to the company. At least they gave me that and didn't have Officer Bob escort me out Thursday. Trying to keep my chin up, but it's hard at this hour.

This morning the car was under water, and now it won't start. We hadn't cleaned the storm drain and the street flooded and the water was all the way up to the seats. My husband was able to drive it out of the water, and we bailed it out, but perhaps we should have left it running. Later that day I went to drive it and it wouldn't start. It has juice and gas, but won't go. I tried to jump it going down the hill and it briefly caught hold but then died. Now it's parked a few blocks from our house. Hope it starts tomorrow (today).

I guess I'll go practice some percussion now. I have been watching MTV these nights, seeing some interesting videos. I liked the Madonna one for whatever her new disco tune is--great street dancing in it. And the Eminem one where he goes to an AA meeting and confesses he's a bad dad because of his fame. There was a cool one by Beck, called Hell Yes, that had an awesome shot of robots dancing. I love robots. Funny, Wayne said, "Do you remember how the song goes?" I said, "Nope. Just that it was called Hell Yes." "That's my point. It doesn't even matter any more."

I'm supposed to see Wayne tomorrow to work more on the album(s) but if I don't sleep at all and the car won't start and my cold is worse, it may not happen.

Pregnant and Laid Off

I try to stay upbeat and music-focused in this blog but occasionally I'm allowed to acknowledge other parts of my life, no? I was laid off from my day job as a trade magazine editor yesterday at 10 am, and it was a shock, if not a complete surprise.

After a nice ferry ride into San Francisco I got into work and read a farewell note from another editor who was soon to be unemployed along with me, but ever the optimist, I wrote back to her saying maybe her scheduled meeting with HR wasn't so ominous. Then I noticed a cryptic email requesting my presence at a similar meeting. My heart started pounding with panic, but then I thought, just enjoy the next hour and don't think about it. So I did, chatting with the other editors. After I was given the axe, I called my husband, my parents, and Wayne Wallace, my producer. He said, "Where are you? I'll come pick you up."

I went to my yoga class first, which is held in a womb-like inner conference room in the building. I didn't say anything about what had just happened. When the worries would start to swirl in my head I just focused more on my breathing. After that, Wayne picked me up and we went to his place and worked on my two album concepts for several hours. It was quite fruitful, though I often spaced out and felt sad. As Wayne said, I may not have money now, but I will have plenty of free time to work on music!

I took BART and the ferry back to the East Bay and picked up my son at kindergarten. When we got home, my husband was sloshed. I suppose it was an understandable reaction to the news. Unfortunately, being 5 months pregnant, it's not an option open to me. My son did the sweetest thing then: He announced, "I'm going to help my Mommy." I was crying at this point, and he said, "Mommy, are you sad because you lost your job?" "Yes, honey." "You have to find a new job, then, Mommy. How about if you be my teacher?" I laughed then, and hugged him tight. He is the sweetest boy on the planet.

I've held this job for 10 years. I feel bad for Laurie, the other editor who was laid off along with me. She's so brilliant and wise and didn't need this complication in her life right now. I do want the readers of the magazine to know that I believe in them -- if any of those readers (you know who you are) happen to see this blog, know that I admire your intelligence and creativity and am confident you can lead the software industry out of the muck. Techies unite!

Disclaimer: The magazine is going in a new direction and has to retrench. I harbor no ill will toward my former employer. I'm aware that many companies have had to go through the same wrenching maneuvers and that many folks know just exactly how crappy it feels.

Promo Pics

Wayne Wallace, Michael Zilber and I met outside Yoshi's last month to take some prmotional pictures for our gig at Yoshi's on December 26. David Belove took the pictures and they turned out great. This is my favorite one.

Another CD or Two?

On Thursday I took the train over to Wayne's place and we sat in his studio in the blustering wind and rain and worked on my ideas for my next two albums. One is a children's, the other a followup to Jazzmerica, for adults. It was great meeting with him, as usual. Nothing like sitting there, making lists and listening to options and discussing it all, trying to see if it flows. He liked my new song, The Goddess of War, and encouraged me to finish the melody and not worry about the chords. That inspired me to work more on it when I got home--I just wrote it the week of Thanksgiving, and I worked the morning before I went to see him on the melody and chords. For groove, I said, "Do you know techno?" He said, "No, what's that?" I told him I want it to be driving, and imitated that insistent downbeat techno or house music has, but said I want it acoustic, of course. So on the list of songs he put down, "acoustic electronica." He gave me other work to do, another song to write, and I laughed. That's so typical of Wayne: "Good job, now go do twice as much work." But he's always right.