Leave Those Moms Alone

A recent article in the New York Times epitomizes what annoys me about being a "working mother" (no one ever talks about being a "working father"): The microscopic media attention to what a woman's role should be in society.

In "Stretched to Limit, Women Stall March to Work," author Eduardo Porter posits that, as fewer mothers are joining the workforce, "...social scientists are engaged in a heated debate over whether the gender revolution at work may be over. Is this shift evidence for the popular notion that many mothers are again deciding that they prefer to stay at home and take care of their children?"

Ack! Are we still at this debate? Why can't we just provide equal rights and equal support for everyone, be they men or women or minorities or disabled people or any "protected category" (as a boss, I took many a class on not discriminating against protected categories of people)? Why can't we let everyone make their own choices about how to support themselves and realize their ambitions?

Porter interviews several women who complain about how hard the balancing act is. A 37-year-old former high-tech executive "pines to go back to work, but has not figured out how to mesh work with caring for her three daughters. 'Most of us thought we would work and have kids, at least that was what we were brought up thinking we would do — no problem,' Ms. Watson-Short said. 'But really we were kind of duped. None of us realized how hard it is.'"

Yes, it's extremely hard. I'm the first to agree. But how sympathetic must one be for these upper-middle-class professionals who struggle to manage their high-paying jobs, ginormous vehicles and safe suburban homes packed with luxury appurtenances? The myth of the stay-at-home mom has been perpetuated as a gold standard we should all aspire to, when in fact such an arrangement only became possible with the invention of labor-saving appliances and the increase in the standard of living in the last century. Most women have never had the option to simply dedicate all their time to their children, ferrying them to and from various character- and skill-building activities every day. Our children must see us working and doing the things we love, whether it's baking bread or synthesizing rocket fuel--how else will they learn dedication and discipline?

Children must come first, no question. But the "have it all" syndrome afflicts too many Americans. We can have it all, just not all at once! Having just one child is an enormous, life-altering change--but multiple births are increasingly common. So are children less than two years apart. Now, with my children set to be five years apart, I do see the advantages of closer spacing (namely, momentum!), but I am thrilled to have those five years of knowledge as a parent under my belt, not to mention a son in school and out of diapers.

If women feel they're being duped, they need to go back to their mothers and grandmothers and listen to how they did it. In my family, for instance, the women have always been ambitious professionals as well as dedicated mothers. They weathered deaths, divorces, depression and disease. But they persevered, and their example of charisma and lifelong success is one I aspire to for myself. No one ever told them it would be easy; indeed, they often heard it was impossible. Yet my mother and grandmothers have had it all--with nothing handed to them other than perhaps a modicum of education.

Women need equal rights and discrimination protection--and then we need to have our choices left alone.