Letting Go of Professional Anger and Bitterness

A few years ago, I remember describing a professional conflict I had been in. The person with whom I was in disagreement was passive-aggressive. But I had become very engaged in the particular struggle (now I can't even remember what it was about or who it was with).

"So-and-so is really passive-aggressive. I don't know what you'd call my style, though. I tend to take it and take it and take it until I finally lose it. What do you call that?" I told my friend. "I'd call that aggressive-aggressive," she said.

This past week I spent some time at the Intel Developer Forum in San Francisco, reporting as a contract portal editor for the Go-Parallel website. At lunch in the press room, I encountered some former employees of the company I worked for for 10 years. We exchanged horror stories, with me joking "...but I'm not bitter." Ultimately, I think I out-embittered them, however, which left me thinking I've got to stop this. Certainly, I'm not in the throes of anger like I was two and half years ago, when I was laid off. But that righteous indignation is still easily triggered in professional situations. Whether it's divorce, bankruptcy, layoff or any untoward event, over time these have to be treated positively in casual social conversation. As a hiring manager, of course, one rejects candidates who seem bitter and vengeful. Why on earth should I be walking around sounding like one?

And in truth, what do I have to complain about? The company has continued to reorganize and shrink, as many media companies are doing these days. I have leveraged (!) my network and continued to write and edit in the field. And I have more time for music and motherhood.

I don't claim to be the best at what I do, but I find it hard to not get invested. So being laid off came as a blow to myself and my work, rather than just a numbers game (which is what it really was). I can't help but feel the message was that I wasn't really engaged in this field, when in fact I have always truly enjoyed covering technology and software. As an independent, some jobs have come my way that made me realize how much better I relate to computer programmers than doctors and radiologists, who comprised my first magazine's circulation.

[As I was writing this the phone rang. The caller violated several rules of etiquette, and I hung up the phone totally pissed off. Ahhhhh. Deeeeeeeep breath. Let go.]

So, where was I? Ah yes, putting the bitterness to rest. Basically, this is a note to self. I am not the first person to be laid off. It happens all the time. I was lucky in that I had a long, unbroken employment streak. I am lucky in that there is still plenty of work in my field -- in fact, there is probably more work for freelancers now, because of layoffs.

And really, all the cliches are true, if you want them to be: "Whenever one door closes, another opens" "Success is the best revenge" "That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable" (see www.despair.com).