Story of My Life Optioned by Columbia TriStar Motion Picture Group!

For the past 18 months, since the release of my last album, I have secretly been doing something I always dreamed of: writing my autobiography. Those of you who know me are aware of the many fantastical and often tragic twists my life has taken thus far. This process has been extremely profound and has involved countless hours of navel gazing, journal reading, deep meditative thinking, interviews with my most heinous relatives and even encounters with paranormal experts. There is nothing I like better than to contemplate my past, sifting through dusty photographs, cassette tapes and videos. As much as I adore 1970s and 80s nostalgia, I didn't stop there. I have reached so far back that I have unearthed previous lives -- the soul experiences that have made me who I am today and who I will be in future lives as well.

Never could I have imagined that my tale would spark so much interest that I would be able to boast what I am about to reveal: Today, I signed a contract with Columbia TriStar Motion Picture Group giving them the option to produce a feature film about MY LIFE!!!!!

It's very early to say who might play me, but my jaw dropped when I heard my agent and the Columbia casting executive throwing out the big names.

This is highly unofficial and probably stupid of me but given that this is the greatest achievement of my life thus far I have to tell you what they proposed: One thought was they could get Jaden Smith (yes, son of Will Smith) to play me as a young, gender-confused black child born of a Kenyan father and Kansan mother. In an incredible feat of computer-generated special effects, I would morph into Beyonce Knowles, playing me as a pre-op transgendered jazz singer.
Then in a tour de force performance that forever breaks the age barrier, Halle Berry would play me as a 20-year-old post-op opera singer who questions her racial identity and begins a course of skin-lightening treatments. Natalie Portman would play me in my late 20s, beginning to define my musical style and mastering the kazoo while wandering as a troubador in my VW van. Jennifer Lopez would play me as I am today, happily married to Marc Anthony and a mother of two struggling with a costly addiction to spray-tanning. Felicity Huffman would play me 10 years from now, after I have finished my term as the first gender-modified, skin-lightened and fiscally responsible jazz singer to become president of the United States. She would sensitively portray how I begin to question my transexuality and wonder if I should return to my male incarnation. Finally, George Clooney would play me as I become a crooner of Sinatra hits in 2050, thrilling New Las Vegas with an all-robot band.

They say that an option to create a film is no guarantee of it actually happening, or of the finished product bearing much resemblance to one's initial story. Such is the case here: Apparently, they summarily discarded my painstaking research into my past lives, including three separate vivid memories as a zygote of three different species!!! Truth IS stranger than fiction! Most incredibly, I have managed to trace myself back 600 years to being an upwardly mobile gecko living in an Egyptian temple. However, I realize how lucky I am to be receiving this recognition, so I'm not complaining.

This is all happening so quickly. The funding will be coming from a Nigerian prince who has found a bank account containing $36 million pounds sterling. I've sent him a cashier's check to open the escrow account and everything looks legit. And they say there is no support for the arts!