The Ending Isn't Everything

I was feeling sorry for myself. A booker didn't want me back at his club, and he was heaping stinky booker dung on my ego, telling me why. I tried to salvage the conversation, but afterwards I ruminated endlessly: "I never get called back. I don't get steadies. I just don't have enough fans and I never will."

After a few hours of this, the other voice in my head answered back: "Wait, remember your steady gig for five years at that prestigious venue? It ended, but that doesn't negate the fact that you had it for five years."

I am a long-term person. The years pass easily for me, and I don't leave situations readily, even though I am flamboyant and dramatic in many respects. But I've experienced my share of endings in life -- relationships, partnerships, jobs, gigs, friendships. As I was running today I realized how we characterize everything by the ending. My editorial job ended badly after 10 years, with a layoff that was a painful surprise to me. It took more than a year for me to get over that, but I know now that the 10 fruitful years spent traveling the U.S. and Latin America and learning the magazine business in a large trade media company are far more important than the two months it took to shut my magazine down.

The same goes for my musical partnerships. Some have simply drifted apart, while others endured more dramatic farewells... but I can't discard the performance or composing or recording experiences we had, of which I am proud, simply because it's over. (Digression for another time: When do you rekindle a past partnership? How do you decide the risk of another Waterloo is worth it, given the possibility of doing great things together?)

Of course, there are truly horrible, atrocious endings. Bad divorces, protracted wars, litigation, tragedies and intrigues... I wouldn't wish those on anyone. But is it also true that the older you get, the more you realize there will be plenty of endings in life? That this too shall pass? Perhaps my "problem" is that because I've been so steady, I haven't experienced a huge number of endings. Perhaps, thanks to my childhood, I've worked hard to avoid endings. Who knows.

I am at a crossroads -- Yep, been there for two years and counting -- but I am a little tiny bit less afraid of endings than ever before. Because I know that what I have accomplished, what I worked at, alone or in concert with others, is worth more than a few goodbyes.