33 Reasons To Feel Shitty

I am feeling crappy today. I wonder why? Of course, I could slowly back away from the computer, sit down at the piano and practice or climb the roof and take the Xmas lights down or clean the dishes or read a book that I have been reading at an excruciatingly slow pace or clean my office or do work on a good-paying writing project that is at a standstill or go be a good mom or... but no, I will sit here in self-contemplative mode and think about myself and my emotions and my hair and my itchy neck and who likes me and who I like and where am I going and what have I done, etc.

Here are possible reasons for the ebb of my emotional tide today, an ebb that is so awesomely all-important in the scheme of the world. Yep, I am a writer and that sentence sucked. Onward:

1. Talked to my mom on Sunday. That seems to bring me down for a few days pretty reliably. (99% sure she won't read this.)

2. Ran 18 miles on Sunday, then hiked 6 miles (slowly) with dog and family on Monday. Still tired. My dog can't even move now. I checked an hour ago and he's still alive though. He didn't run the 18 miles, by the way.

3. I had a really good show Saturday night (actually two gigs that day) and maybe this is the low that follows the performance high?

4. Don't have any gigs at all in February as of right now.

5. I'm waiting to get paid by three people, so that I can make February's house payment, now due.

6. Last night when I crawled into bed wearing three layers of clothes I thought, "What if this is all there is?" That's a great launching point for your mind just before it drifts into the abyss.

7. I hope no bookers who might possibly book me read this. Because I am doing great sigh that took too much effort.

8. I tried to sleep some more but I couldn't.

9. I bought something online but it didn't work.

10. I feel gross.

11. Men fill me with despair. But I am raising two little men so I have to teach them to be gentlemen. Conundrum.

12. Depressing lists make me more depressed.

13. I know I'll snap out of it in a bit.

14. I forgive too easily.

15. I don't like fake people, in real life or on facebook.

16. I'm not trying for sympathy or anything, I truly thought this might be an entertaining post but now I think it probably sucks.

17. I don't like complainers and that includes myself.

18. I hate the IRS.

19. My dentist discriminated against me.

20. I wish I could finish more of what I started.

21. Why do mean people seek positions of power?

22. What is the evolutionary purpose of a virus? Just to replicate? But then it kills its host. Are there any good viruses?

23. Why do people pull at the thread of something irksome that you in a moment of trusting weakness revealed to them so that they continually bring it up in what seems to be a shared dark humor but in truth is a way for them to satisfy their morbid desire to see you fail? How can you spot these people and avoid them?

24. Why does love require you to nakedly connect without knowing if your sacrifice will be acknowledged or just taken like a $4 toll and you don't even care if it's a pacer or a porsche that drives through.

25. Why is your attention span so short? Can't you see how amazing it is to enjoy something fully? I don't mean forever, but I do mean for more than four minutes.

26. How do you build something truly great?

27. Officer, why did you give me a $100 ticket for parking with my right wheels slightly up on my sidewalk in front of my house (we do that so people won't hit the car coming around the corner)? Where did you pull that handwritten $100 figure out of, your ass?

28. My head feels heavy.

29. Why can't you take care of yourself? I feel bad that I can't fix everything for you.

30. I don't like it when people aren't professional. Then someone has the gall to say I wasn't professional one time? Give me a break.

31. How come you were nice to me, then mean to me, then nice to me again? I try to be nice. But I don't want to play this game. I know, it's not always about me. It's about you, motherfucker.

32. I am sure tomorrow I will feel grateful again. Even though this list is pissy I'm actually not as low as I can go. And that's low. So this is good.

33. You know what, I think I feel better.